7:00 AM

Somehow woke up early, must be my good mood invigorating me, and also the cigarette smoke. Diane doesn’t want me to smoke in the house, I don’t either, because even I hate it when things smell like smoke. That’s not the way I want my home to be. The backyard fully closed by fence, I can just walk out here in my underwear and smoke a cigarette in 55 degree Fahrenheit weather, it’s very freeing. I know I probably could do that on the front porch, but, I think I prefer this. I don’t want to be a smoker any more, I haven’t for a while. But I do, I still do. It’s too easy to keep smoking, it’s just too easy to just keep losing all this money!!! I’ll vape, I’ll vape from now on, at least until they make that illegal. Diane was able to quit smoking through vaping. I’ll go to the god damn vape store and buy a vape today!!! Aaaaaggghhh!!! Woah, getting real emotional over this, like, teenager style emotional. I’d better drink a couple of cups of coffee before I start getting real dark.

THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP… IS… REALIZING YOU NEED TO CHANGE. (sung to the tune of “Best Part of Waking Up” by Folgerard Coffee)

1:00 PM

Yeah, ok, you know, there’s like a vape shop and a half in every tiny redneck town in the country by now. Easy. I went in there, and I actually asked questions like, “I’m new to vaping and would like an easy experience to help me stop smoking, what would you recommend?” And it’s like, I know they’re going to sell me something that’s not the exact cheapest thing that there is, which is what I would just order online, but I need this now, I’m filled with this kind of energy, like, the kind of energy that makes me want to change, and I need to act on it now. I also want the people in these places to just be able to do their job without worrying about it. I don’t want them to feel like, “here comes this weirdo, he sure looks hard to deal with,” I’d like them to think, “here’s a normal customer and this will afford me a normal work experience.” That’s what I’d like for people. And really, this vape thing doesn’t taste too bad. I got a strawberry flavor, and a and a I can do this, should be easy.

6:00 PM

Surprised Diane when she got home from work.

ME: (rushing around a corner aggressively vaping) I’M A VAPE GUY NOW! JOIN ME, DARLING, IN VAPORIZED BLISS!!
DIANE: I’m so glad you’re finally a VAPE GUY! I see you got strawberry, just like mine.
ME: (taking insane drags and talking as I exhale vape) I’M TASTING THE RAINBOW!!
DIANE: The Skitters (formerly Ski**les) flavors are for ADVANCED VAPORIZORS ONLY! (now vaping herself, practically spitting vape in my face)
ME: (holding Diane tightly, craning my neck up towards the sky, screaming through teeth clenched on the vape) VAPE THE RAINBOW! HAIL VAPEANNIA!! YOU KNOW, LIKE BRITANNIA, BUT VAPE!!
DIANE: (also screaming through clenched teeth, vaping) NOW WE CAN FINALLY MAKE COUPLE’S VAPE TRICKS YOUVIEWS VIDEOS

Vape household.

8:00 PM

Kind of almost considering learning vape tricks.

9:00 PM

Well, there’s a disaster happening, looks like thousands of demons are pouring out of some kind of Hell-gate at the center of the gas plant flare. The worst part about demons is that they’re totally immune to fire or heat, even from like, lasers. It’s total horseshit. The best part about demons is that if you can somehow replicate their immunity to fire the only thing you have to worry about is the tremendous force with which they can rend your pitiful frail body apart with their razor sharp clawed hands unnaturally powerful jaw strength.

11:00 PM

Pretty sure a disaster is going to happen, but all the demons are just floating or walking around, they’re not killing anyone or anything. I mean, ok, some are, but the vast majority are not. Some are shopping. I called Oliver and he said they’re getting a real rush at the store, not good. I might have to go in tomorrow if the computer system detects a significant spike in sales. Asked Oliver if he was able to get any information about the demon appearance. Apparently the demons don’t know why they’re here, they don’t want to be here, and they don’t know how to get back because the portal only goes one way. I reminded him that the Gate to Hell Trailer Park is down in the Territory (contains actual Gate to Hell), and could be useful for them. He’d forgotten about it, and promised to tell the demons all about it. Hopefully this is all cleared up soon, don’t want to lose my two days off!!!

2:00 AM

God dammit I got the call.